Saturday, October 25, 2008

Fun at the Super Museum!

This weekend, I hopped on a long ass train and took a long ass ride down to Paris for a couple of days. That city is something else! Talk about tricked out! EVERYTHING in that joint is ornate and gold plated and carved and sculpted. Them Parisians are some decadent folks. Behind me is the Louvre, or as I call it the "Super Museum". That sucker's HUGE! It took and entire day just to cover it all. They should give you one of of them ridiculous segway vehicles with your ticket just to get around.

From the Mona Lisa, to the Venus de Milo, and that painting on the cover of the Coldplay album, there sure are a lot of cool stuff to see there. I even found what I thought was an ancient Roman statue, threw a piece of crepe at it, found out it was some random naked guy painted in white. He went medieval on my ass and socked me pretty good.

When I came to, I continued on my mission to find something humorous at the museum. Although getting my ass kicked by a naked guy is pretty funny, I just knew there was something more. Then i saw a painting that fulfilled my goal...but at a price. Ever think you've invented something new and that this could be your billion dollar "Google" or "YouTube" idea? Well, when we were in about 5th grade, we thought we invented the greatest thing ever called the "titty twister". A "titty twister" is when you sneak up on your friend or a girl you had a crush on, pinch hard on one of their nipples like a vise grip and turn that sucker clockwise with a little umph to it. If you did it right, that thing would be red for days! It's a wonder we never had a bleeder. Funny thing is, no one really reacted violently to it. Maybe it was cuz they knew deep down, that it was a sign of affection. You'd just swallow up your pride, hide your embarrassment, and just say "Yeah, that was a good one! You got me!!" then you'd plan your "titty twister" attack on whoever got you. I guess when your in 5th grade, words like sexual harassment or inappropriate touching aren't in your vocabulary. Anyways, we thought that the "titty twister" was golden and it would be our claim to fame. I've held on to that "twisted" dream for 30 long damn years. That dream died instantly once I saw this hanging at the Louvre:

Some dreams do come true and others, like mine, are absolutely destroyed once you figure out that perverts existed even in the 15th century. Anyways, although "titty twisters" were around centuries before me and hopefully will continue centuries past me, at least I can take comfort in knowing that in the world of juvenile asshole behavior, I am not alone. Live on "titty twister"! Live dammit!

Sunday, October 12, 2008


On a clear, sunny day, the city of Santa Monica can be downright magical! That's exactly how i felt once I got to the British sea town of Brighton this weekend. It looks just like Santa Monica, with the long stretches of beach, the outdoor vendors, the beachside restaurants and hotels, the crazy pier with all the carnival rides, and the massive homosexual population (or was that West Hollywood?).

It was really warm on Saturday too so it felt like I was completely back in California. The only difference was instead of sand, Brighton has hard-ass rocks as a shore. And they HURT!! And people lie right down on these rocks like nothing. It's like rolling around on concrete! Where's the fun in that? I felt gipped so I went on the pier, got wasted, and hung out with an old friend.

It was nice to see the beach again, feel the warm sun, eat cotton candy, ride carnival rides, and see two of the hottest lesbians I've ever seen make out on the ferris wheel. For a day, I felt like I was back on the west coast, and then I realized that unlike Cali, I don't need to drive home here so I ordered up four more pints and sat overlooking the ocean, reminiscing about home and scorching hot lesbians tongue wrestling on a ferris wheel. Ahhh, Brighton!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

(Not So) Fun at the Museum

Every now and then, you come across certain things that don't necessarily meet your expectations. Examples for me would be them Star Wars prequel flicks, that leaning tower of Pisa (it's not that big in person), and PCP. I went to another museum this weekend with pretty high expectations just based on the name of this place. From the name, I thought I was gonna see all kinds of historical artifacts of the "adult" variety. Maybe a few photos, some videos, and maybe a peep show or two. What I actually saw was so far from that. I'm not saying that the place sucked cuz they do have a lot of interesting preserved animals and ancient art like any real museum. It's actually a really great place for kids to learn. I just think they really got to do something about that name and 'erect' sign of theirs.