Wednesday, November 5, 2008


One thing I love about the Austrians, other than being amazingly nice folks, is their love of beer. I love beer too! In fact, I think I love beer more than any girl I've ever dated. At least beer can make an utterly boring conversation with a chick a million times more interesting. And if the both of you love beer, they up your odds tenfold of getting lucky that night. Beer equals fun and the fact that Austrians drink their beer outta HUGE mugs like Germans, makes them one of the more fun countries in Europe. Here's a little experiment I tried while drinking fat Austrian beers. Imagine for a minute that you're a chick (and if you're a chick, imagine you're.....a chick). The 1st pic is as if you're checking me out with no beers in you. Not so hot huh? The 2nd pic is if you've had 5 of them chubby suckers in your belly. All of a sudden, I look pretty damn bangable, don't I??? You can try this little experiment next time you're stuck with an average to below average looking date. You can thank me later!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Fun at the Super Museum!

This weekend, I hopped on a long ass train and took a long ass ride down to Paris for a couple of days. That city is something else! Talk about tricked out! EVERYTHING in that joint is ornate and gold plated and carved and sculpted. Them Parisians are some decadent folks. Behind me is the Louvre, or as I call it the "Super Museum". That sucker's HUGE! It took and entire day just to cover it all. They should give you one of of them ridiculous segway vehicles with your ticket just to get around.

From the Mona Lisa, to the Venus de Milo, and that painting on the cover of the Coldplay album, there sure are a lot of cool stuff to see there. I even found what I thought was an ancient Roman statue, threw a piece of crepe at it, found out it was some random naked guy painted in white. He went medieval on my ass and socked me pretty good.

When I came to, I continued on my mission to find something humorous at the museum. Although getting my ass kicked by a naked guy is pretty funny, I just knew there was something more. Then i saw a painting that fulfilled my goal...but at a price. Ever think you've invented something new and that this could be your billion dollar "Google" or "YouTube" idea? Well, when we were in about 5th grade, we thought we invented the greatest thing ever called the "titty twister". A "titty twister" is when you sneak up on your friend or a girl you had a crush on, pinch hard on one of their nipples like a vise grip and turn that sucker clockwise with a little umph to it. If you did it right, that thing would be red for days! It's a wonder we never had a bleeder. Funny thing is, no one really reacted violently to it. Maybe it was cuz they knew deep down, that it was a sign of affection. You'd just swallow up your pride, hide your embarrassment, and just say "Yeah, that was a good one! You got me!!" then you'd plan your "titty twister" attack on whoever got you. I guess when your in 5th grade, words like sexual harassment or inappropriate touching aren't in your vocabulary. Anyways, we thought that the "titty twister" was golden and it would be our claim to fame. I've held on to that "twisted" dream for 30 long damn years. That dream died instantly once I saw this hanging at the Louvre:

Some dreams do come true and others, like mine, are absolutely destroyed once you figure out that perverts existed even in the 15th century. Anyways, although "titty twisters" were around centuries before me and hopefully will continue centuries past me, at least I can take comfort in knowing that in the world of juvenile asshole behavior, I am not alone. Live on "titty twister"! Live dammit!

Sunday, October 12, 2008


On a clear, sunny day, the city of Santa Monica can be downright magical! That's exactly how i felt once I got to the British sea town of Brighton this weekend. It looks just like Santa Monica, with the long stretches of beach, the outdoor vendors, the beachside restaurants and hotels, the crazy pier with all the carnival rides, and the massive homosexual population (or was that West Hollywood?).

It was really warm on Saturday too so it felt like I was completely back in California. The only difference was instead of sand, Brighton has hard-ass rocks as a shore. And they HURT!! And people lie right down on these rocks like nothing. It's like rolling around on concrete! Where's the fun in that? I felt gipped so I went on the pier, got wasted, and hung out with an old friend.

It was nice to see the beach again, feel the warm sun, eat cotton candy, ride carnival rides, and see two of the hottest lesbians I've ever seen make out on the ferris wheel. For a day, I felt like I was back on the west coast, and then I realized that unlike Cali, I don't need to drive home here so I ordered up four more pints and sat overlooking the ocean, reminiscing about home and scorching hot lesbians tongue wrestling on a ferris wheel. Ahhh, Brighton!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

(Not So) Fun at the Museum

Every now and then, you come across certain things that don't necessarily meet your expectations. Examples for me would be them Star Wars prequel flicks, that leaning tower of Pisa (it's not that big in person), and PCP. I went to another museum this weekend with pretty high expectations just based on the name of this place. From the name, I thought I was gonna see all kinds of historical artifacts of the "adult" variety. Maybe a few photos, some videos, and maybe a peep show or two. What I actually saw was so far from that. I'm not saying that the place sucked cuz they do have a lot of interesting preserved animals and ancient art like any real museum. It's actually a really great place for kids to learn. I just think they really got to do something about that name and 'erect' sign of theirs.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Fun at the Museum

Every weekend, I try to hit one of the many museums around London. The other day, I finally got to visit the British Museum which, since I really dig history, was my favorite one thus far. From the Rosetta Stone, to a massive Egyptian collection, to an entire wing dedicated to Ancient Rome and Greece, the collection was very impressive and pretty overwhelming. It really makes you appreciate what folks through the ages have accomplished. With something so serious like the history of man on display, you would think I'd have a tough time finding any humorous artifacts there. Haha! Think again my friend. I came across a series of wall sculptures by some Roman dude with a bit of a funny bone. If you look below, a pecker-less warrior takes on a centaur with nothing but his bare hands. Fortunately, he knows how to kick. But unfortunately, the man part of the centaur threw him off cuz he attempts to kick him where his balls should be....if he were a man. But he's a centaur with a pecker way back there like a horse so the kick does absolutely nothing to him. The centaur stampedes the pecker-less warrior to death and steals his coat. Well done centaur! Foolish humans!! The history of man may go back a few thousand years and may continue for thousands more, but humor, my friends, is timeless.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Go Gunners!

I got the chance to see Arsenal, my favorite football (or soccer) club in action on Tuesday night at Emirates, their home stadium. You hear stories about how fanatical the English can be about their football, but you really need to see a live game in order to get the full scope of the madness. They sing and chant and scream their heads off the ENTIRE time! You seriously come back deaf after the match. What sucks is, they really cut down on the drinking (which you can only do in designated areas outside) and smoking(which you can't do at all). I was totally looking forward to some good, old-fashioned hooligan behavior, and I was robbed! I guess I gotta give them kudos for getting into the match as much as they do cuz I need about 12 tall boys and a carton of smokes to get as loud as they can get sober.
What occurred to me during the match was that some of the players on the field were all of 16 years old. Imagine that for a sec. You get paid a fortune to play a game for a career in front of 57,000 people every week, and you can pretty much screw off in high school! And I'm not even getting into the amount of 'tail' you can already score before you even know what to do with it. All this time, I thought the greatest gig ever was being Ricky Schroeder on Silver Spoons. Boy was I wrong! He can shove that train up his 'arse', I'd rather be one of these crazy footballers any day. Now toss me a Kronenburg and point me towards the groupies! Game on!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Paradise Lost

This weekend, we were blessed with the sun and warm temps again. Wuppp-eee! I took a train out for the day to Bath, which is about 90 minutes southwest of London. For being not so far from the city, Bath actually felt nothing like the other places in the UK that I've been to. It kinda felt eastern european in a way. Maybe it had to do with the rolling green hills, the unique architecture of the homes and churches, and the canals that snake through the town.

It's a pretty beautiful and amazing place. Very laid back and the folks seemed pretty happy, laying in the grass and walking along the river. You can even watch their pro Rugby team practice just past the canal.

With the combination of the awesome weather and the exquisite backdrop of this quaint town, you'd pretty much think everything would be perfect right. After all, I can't imagine paradise being to far from a nice day in Bath. You'd think that...and you'd be wrong my buddy ol' pal! Just when I thought nothing could spoil my day. These two jackass street performers decided to strip down into nothing but g-strings and take over the main square with some kind of perverse acrobat act. Don't get me wrong, it started off pretty funny, but then it just went downhill from there. Dudes NEVER look good in g-strings. That "bulge" ruins everything!! And it didn't help that the one guys head always seemed to be in the vicinity of the other guys groin or butt cheeks. Hey, I don't tend to judge anyone and what people do in their free time is their own business, but c'mon man, would it hurt to put some shorts on?!?! I didn't feel much like eating after, so I got trashed in a pub while watching the Man. U vs. Chelsea match. Ah, beer and soccer makes you forget about a lot of things. Even guys in g-strings dry humping in public. No wonder beer and soccer are so damn popular here!