This weekend, I hopped on a long ass train and took a long ass ride down to Paris for a couple of days. That city is something else! Talk about tricked out! EVERYTHING in that joint is ornate and gold plated and carved and sculpted. Them Parisians are some decadent folks. Behind me is the Louvre, or as I call it the "Super Museum". That sucker's HUGE! It took and entire day just to cover it all. They should give you one of of them ridiculous segway vehicles with your ticket just to get around.
From the Mona Lisa, to the Venus de Milo, and that painting on the cover of the Coldplay album, there sure are a lot of cool stuff to see there. I even found what I thought was an ancient Roman statue, threw a piece of crepe at it, found out it was some random naked guy painted in white. He went medieval on my ass and socked me pretty good.
When I came to, I continued on my mission to find something humorous at the museum. Although getting my ass kicked by a naked guy is pretty funny, I just knew there was something more. Then i saw a painting that fulfilled my goal...but at a price. Ever think you've invented something new and that this could be your billion dollar "Google" or "YouTube" idea? Well, when we were in about 5th grade, we thought we invented the greatest thing ever called the "titty twister". A "titty twister" is when you sneak up on your friend or a girl you had a crush on, pinch hard on one of their nipples like a vise grip and turn that sucker clockwise with a little umph to it. If you did it right, that thing would be red for days! It's a wonder we never had a bleeder. Funny thing is, no one really reacted violently to it. Maybe it was cuz they knew deep down, that it was a sign of affection. You'd just swallow up your pride, hide your embarrassment, and just say "Yeah, that was a good one! You got me!!" then you'd plan your "titty twister" attack on whoever got you. I guess when your in 5th grade, words like sexual harassment or inappropriate touching aren't in your vocabulary. Anyways, we thought that the "titty twister" was golden and it would be our claim to fame. I've held on to that "twisted" dream for 30 long damn years. That dream died instantly once I saw this hanging at the Louvre:
Some dreams do come true and others, like mine, are absolutely destroyed once you figure out that perverts existed even in the 15th century. Anyways, although "titty twisters" were around centuries before me and hopefully will continue centuries past me, at least I can take comfort in knowing that in the world of juvenile asshole behavior, I am not alone. Live on "titty twister"! Live dammit!