Fun at the Museum

Every weekend, I try to hit one of the many museums around London. The other day, I finally got to visit the British Museum which, since I really dig history, was my favorite one thus far. From the Rosetta Stone, to a massive Egyptian collection, to an entire wing dedicated to Ancient Rome and Greece, the collection was very impressive and pretty overwhelming. It really makes you appreciate what folks through the ages have accomplished. With something so serious like the history of man on display, you would think I'd have a tough time finding any humorous artifacts there. Haha! Think again my friend. I came across a series of wall sculptures by some Roman dude with a bit of a funny bone. If you look below, a pecker-less warrior takes on a centaur with nothing but his bare hands. Fortunately, he knows how to kick. But unfortunately, the man part of the centaur threw him off cuz he attempts to kick him where his balls should be....if he were a man. But he's a centaur with a pecker way back there like a horse so the kick does absolutely nothing to him. The centaur stampedes the pecker-less warrior to death and steals his coat. Well done centaur! Foolish humans!! The history of man may go back a few thousand years and may continue for thousands more, but humor, my friends, is timeless.

Go Gunners!

I got the chance to see Arsenal, my favorite football (or soccer) club in action on Tuesday night at Emirates, their home stadium. You hear stories about how fanatical the English can be about their football, but you really need to see a live game in order to get the full scope of the madness. They sing and chant and scream their heads off the ENTIRE time! You seriously come back deaf after the match. What sucks is, they really cut down on the drinking (which you can only do in designated areas outside) and smoking(which you can't do at all). I was totally looking forward to some good, old-fashioned hooligan behavior, and I was robbed! I guess I gotta give them kudos for getting into the match as much as they do cuz I need about 12 tall boys and a carton of smokes to get as loud as they can get sober.
What occurred to me during the match was that some of the players on the field were all of 16 years old. Imagine that for a sec. You get paid a fortune to play a game for a career in front of 57,000 people every week, and you can pretty much screw off in high school! And I'm not even getting into the amount of 'tail' you can already score before you even know what to do with it. All this time, I thought the greatest gig ever was being Ricky Schroeder on Silver Spoons. Boy was I wrong! He can shove that train up his 'arse', I'd rather be one of these crazy footballers any day. Now toss me a Kronenburg and point me towards the groupies! Game on!!

Paradise Lost

This weekend, we were blessed with the sun and warm temps again. Wuppp-eee! I took a train out for the day to Bath, which is about 90 minutes southwest of London. For being not so far from the city, Bath actually felt nothing like the other places in the UK that I've been to. It kinda felt eastern european in a way. Maybe it had to do with the rolling green hills, the unique architecture of the homes and churches, and the canals that snake through the town.


It's a pretty beautiful and amazing place. Very laid back and the folks seemed pretty happy, laying in the grass and walking along the river. You can even watch their pro Rugby team practice just past the canal.



With the combination of the awesome weather and the exquisite backdrop of this quaint town, you'd pretty much think everything would be perfect right. After all, I can't imagine paradise being to far from a nice day in Bath. You'd think that...and you'd be wrong my buddy ol' pal! Just when I thought nothing could spoil my day. These two jackass street performers decided to strip down into nothing but g-strings and take over the main square with some kind of perverse acrobat act. Don't get me wrong, it started off pretty funny, but then it just went downhill from there. Dudes NEVER look good in g-strings. That "bulge" ruins everything!! And it didn't help that the one guys head always seemed to be in the vicinity of the other guys groin or butt cheeks. Hey, I don't tend to judge anyone and what people do in their free time is their own business, but c'mon man, would it hurt to put some shorts on?!?! I didn't feel much like eating after, so I got trashed in a pub while watching the Man. U vs. Chelsea match. Ah, beer and soccer makes you forget about a lot of things. Even guys in g-strings dry humping in public. No wonder beer and soccer are so damn popular here!

Party Central

This Sunday, the sun finally decided to show up so I made the most of it and took a train down to Oxford, home of one of the most distinguished universities around. To say that the campus is impressive would be an understatement. The city itself is basically centered around all the different educational buildings - HUGE!! And the buildings themselves have been there for ages so you definitely feel a strong sense of tradition and history. A canal snakes through the campus and between the buildings are all kinds of cool restaurants and pubs. In fact, the pub down below was an old hang out of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. Not bad, eh! I got plowed where the Lord of the Rings and Narnia dudes thought of all that craziness. I guarantee you they were plowed when they thought of some of that stuff! Talking animals? C'mon!!!!



It got me thinking, with all these brilliant scholars coming out of this university, can it possibly be even a little bit of a party school? I can't imagine Tolkien and Lewis doing keg stands so I began to lose hope. And then I stumbled upon a towering structure smack dab in the middle of town. The proof is right on that sign, my friends. The answer is yes, they do know how to party, and party like there's no tomorrow! I don't even think SC or UCLA has one of these "houses"! With a "house" like this, who would ever wanna graduate?? Not me, mi amigo! No way! Oxford University: Putting the "party" in party schools since 1096!

The Rock Show

I finally got the chance to fulfill my childhood dream and see a show at the world-famous Apollo theatre!!! Unfortunately it wasn't the NY one but the one across from our Disney building in Hammersmith, London, which is pretty cool nonetheless. What more than made up for it was the fact that I got to see Chris Rock in concert. They were filming his next HBO special that night. Unless I wanted to drop hundreds of dollars to see him in the states, I didn't think I'd get to see him live, but in London, I got tix at face value which was 40 quid! The tix were in the very last row up top so I didn't even think I was gonna be able to see the stage. But a stroke of luck hit at the perfect time! One of the ushers asked if I wanted to upgrade my tix. I jumped at the chance cuz i was basically next to the toilet in my seat in the back. What i didn't know that the upgrace meant front row!! I was shocked!!! It's a surreal experience to sit that close to the entertainer as they stand right over you. He even would look you in the face after every other joke to study your reaction. I don't know if I ever laughed that hard before and cameras are in your face so I'm pretty sure I come off as looking like there's something seriously wrong with me. Check it out when it comes on cable. He does like half an hour on the election and smashes it!! You might even get to see a bulgy-eyed asian dude pissing himself if you stare hard enough.

I'm fat!

In the states, there are tons of food options so you can either eat healthy if you wanna, or go beserk at In-N-Out and bust a 4X4 Animal Style with double cheese, well-done fries and a jumbo shake. In London, while you can find healthy stuff if you look hard enough, the pubs on every corner serve nothing but heavy-duty, stick to your bones, hardcore-sized helpings of fat sausages, big pies, mounds of potatoes, and fried hunks of fish. And I love the stuff!! Combine that with a vat of beer at every sitting, and you're bound to gain some poundage. I must admit that I too have gained some junkage in the trunkage. In fact, i feel pretty lethargic right now as I digest some kind of beef slab that had a crust over it and all kinds of mushy green stuff around it. Even though I'm all fat-ass, at least all their furniture is F-ing huge so at least you look halfway decent & skinnier while sitting in it. You should see my bed! It's like "orgy" sized!