Beer!

One thing I love about the Austrians, other than being amazingly nice folks, is their love of beer. I love beer too! In fact, I think I love beer more than any girl I've ever dated. At least beer can make an utterly boring conversation with a chick a million times more interesting. And if the both of you love beer, they up your odds tenfold of getting lucky that night. Beer equals fun and the fact that Austrians drink their beer outta HUGE mugs like Germans, makes them one of the more fun countries in Europe. Here's a little experiment I tried while drinking fat Austrian beers. Imagine for a minute that you're a chick (and if you're a chick, imagine you're.....a chick). The 1st pic is as if you're checking me out with no beers in you. Not so hot huh? The 2nd pic is if you've had 5 of them chubby suckers in your belly. All of a sudden, I look pretty damn bangable, don't I??? You can try this little experiment next time you're stuck with an average to below average looking date. You can thank me later!

Fun at the Super Museum!

This weekend, I hopped on a long ass train and took a long ass ride down to Paris for a couple of days. That city is something else! Talk about tricked out! EVERYTHING in that joint is ornate and gold plated and carved and sculpted. Them Parisians are some decadent folks. Behind me is the Louvre, or as I call it the "Super Museum". That sucker's HUGE! It took and entire day just to cover it all. They should give you one of of them ridiculous segway vehicles with your ticket just to get around.



From the Mona Lisa, to the Venus de Milo, and that painting on the cover of the Coldplay album, there sure are a lot of cool stuff to see there. I even found what I thought was an ancient Roman statue, threw a piece of crepe at it, found out it was some random naked guy painted in white. He went medieval on my ass and socked me pretty good.



When I came to, I continued on my mission to find something humorous at the museum. Although getting my ass kicked by a naked guy is pretty funny, I just knew there was something more. Then i saw a painting that fulfilled my goal...but at a price. Ever think you've invented something new and that this could be your billion dollar "Google" or "YouTube" idea? Well, when we were in about 5th grade, we thought we invented the greatest thing ever called the "titty twister". A "titty twister" is when you sneak up on your friend or a girl you had a crush on, pinch hard on one of their nipples like a vise grip and turn that sucker clockwise with a little umph to it. If you did it right, that thing would be red for days! It's a wonder we never had a bleeder. Funny thing is, no one really reacted violently to it. Maybe it was cuz they knew deep down, that it was a sign of affection. You'd just swallow up your pride, hide your embarrassment, and just say "Yeah, that was a good one! You got me!!" then you'd plan your "titty twister" attack on whoever got you. I guess when your in 5th grade, words like sexual harassment or inappropriate touching aren't in your vocabulary. Anyways, we thought that the "titty twister" was golden and it would be our claim to fame. I've held on to that "twisted" dream for 30 long damn years. That dream died instantly once I saw this hanging at the Louvre:



Some dreams do come true and others, like mine, are absolutely destroyed once you figure out that perverts existed even in the 15th century. Anyways, although "titty twisters" were around centuries before me and hopefully will continue centuries past me, at least I can take comfort in knowing that in the world of juvenile asshole behavior, I am not alone. Live on "titty twister"! Live dammit!

Home!!

On a clear, sunny day, the city of Santa Monica can be downright magical! That's exactly how i felt once I got to the British sea town of Brighton this weekend. It looks just like Santa Monica, with the long stretches of beach, the outdoor vendors, the beachside restaurants and hotels, the crazy pier with all the carnival rides, and the massive homosexual population (or was that West Hollywood?).



It was really warm on Saturday too so it felt like I was completely back in California. The only difference was instead of sand, Brighton has hard-ass rocks as a shore. And they HURT!! And people lie right down on these rocks like nothing. It's like rolling around on concrete! Where's the fun in that? I felt gipped so I went on the pier, got wasted, and hung out with an old friend.


It was nice to see the beach again, feel the warm sun, eat cotton candy, ride carnival rides, and see two of the hottest lesbians I've ever seen make out on the ferris wheel. For a day, I felt like I was back on the west coast, and then I realized that unlike Cali, I don't need to drive home here so I ordered up four more pints and sat overlooking the ocean, reminiscing about home and scorching hot lesbians tongue wrestling on a ferris wheel. Ahhh, Brighton!

(Not So) Fun at the Museum

Every now and then, you come across certain things that don't necessarily meet your expectations. Examples for me would be them Star Wars prequel flicks, that leaning tower of Pisa (it's not that big in person), and PCP. I went to another museum this weekend with pretty high expectations just based on the name of this place. From the name, I thought I was gonna see all kinds of historical artifacts of the "adult" variety. Maybe a few photos, some videos, and maybe a peep show or two. What I actually saw was so far from that. I'm not saying that the place sucked cuz they do have a lot of interesting preserved animals and ancient art like any real museum. It's actually a really great place for kids to learn. I just think they really got to do something about that name and 'erect' sign of theirs.

Fun at the Museum

Every weekend, I try to hit one of the many museums around London. The other day, I finally got to visit the British Museum which, since I really dig history, was my favorite one thus far. From the Rosetta Stone, to a massive Egyptian collection, to an entire wing dedicated to Ancient Rome and Greece, the collection was very impressive and pretty overwhelming. It really makes you appreciate what folks through the ages have accomplished. With something so serious like the history of man on display, you would think I'd have a tough time finding any humorous artifacts there. Haha! Think again my friend. I came across a series of wall sculptures by some Roman dude with a bit of a funny bone. If you look below, a pecker-less warrior takes on a centaur with nothing but his bare hands. Fortunately, he knows how to kick. But unfortunately, the man part of the centaur threw him off cuz he attempts to kick him where his balls should be....if he were a man. But he's a centaur with a pecker way back there like a horse so the kick does absolutely nothing to him. The centaur stampedes the pecker-less warrior to death and steals his coat. Well done centaur! Foolish humans!! The history of man may go back a few thousand years and may continue for thousands more, but humor, my friends, is timeless.

Go Gunners!

I got the chance to see Arsenal, my favorite football (or soccer) club in action on Tuesday night at Emirates, their home stadium. You hear stories about how fanatical the English can be about their football, but you really need to see a live game in order to get the full scope of the madness. They sing and chant and scream their heads off the ENTIRE time! You seriously come back deaf after the match. What sucks is, they really cut down on the drinking (which you can only do in designated areas outside) and smoking(which you can't do at all). I was totally looking forward to some good, old-fashioned hooligan behavior, and I was robbed! I guess I gotta give them kudos for getting into the match as much as they do cuz I need about 12 tall boys and a carton of smokes to get as loud as they can get sober.
What occurred to me during the match was that some of the players on the field were all of 16 years old. Imagine that for a sec. You get paid a fortune to play a game for a career in front of 57,000 people every week, and you can pretty much screw off in high school! And I'm not even getting into the amount of 'tail' you can already score before you even know what to do with it. All this time, I thought the greatest gig ever was being Ricky Schroeder on Silver Spoons. Boy was I wrong! He can shove that train up his 'arse', I'd rather be one of these crazy footballers any day. Now toss me a Kronenburg and point me towards the groupies! Game on!!

Paradise Lost

This weekend, we were blessed with the sun and warm temps again. Wuppp-eee! I took a train out for the day to Bath, which is about 90 minutes southwest of London. For being not so far from the city, Bath actually felt nothing like the other places in the UK that I've been to. It kinda felt eastern european in a way. Maybe it had to do with the rolling green hills, the unique architecture of the homes and churches, and the canals that snake through the town.


It's a pretty beautiful and amazing place. Very laid back and the folks seemed pretty happy, laying in the grass and walking along the river. You can even watch their pro Rugby team practice just past the canal.



With the combination of the awesome weather and the exquisite backdrop of this quaint town, you'd pretty much think everything would be perfect right. After all, I can't imagine paradise being to far from a nice day in Bath. You'd think that...and you'd be wrong my buddy ol' pal! Just when I thought nothing could spoil my day. These two jackass street performers decided to strip down into nothing but g-strings and take over the main square with some kind of perverse acrobat act. Don't get me wrong, it started off pretty funny, but then it just went downhill from there. Dudes NEVER look good in g-strings. That "bulge" ruins everything!! And it didn't help that the one guys head always seemed to be in the vicinity of the other guys groin or butt cheeks. Hey, I don't tend to judge anyone and what people do in their free time is their own business, but c'mon man, would it hurt to put some shorts on?!?! I didn't feel much like eating after, so I got trashed in a pub while watching the Man. U vs. Chelsea match. Ah, beer and soccer makes you forget about a lot of things. Even guys in g-strings dry humping in public. No wonder beer and soccer are so damn popular here!

Party Central

This Sunday, the sun finally decided to show up so I made the most of it and took a train down to Oxford, home of one of the most distinguished universities around. To say that the campus is impressive would be an understatement. The city itself is basically centered around all the different educational buildings - HUGE!! And the buildings themselves have been there for ages so you definitely feel a strong sense of tradition and history. A canal snakes through the campus and between the buildings are all kinds of cool restaurants and pubs. In fact, the pub down below was an old hang out of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. Not bad, eh! I got plowed where the Lord of the Rings and Narnia dudes thought of all that craziness. I guarantee you they were plowed when they thought of some of that stuff! Talking animals? C'mon!!!!



It got me thinking, with all these brilliant scholars coming out of this university, can it possibly be even a little bit of a party school? I can't imagine Tolkien and Lewis doing keg stands so I began to lose hope. And then I stumbled upon a towering structure smack dab in the middle of town. The proof is right on that sign, my friends. The answer is yes, they do know how to party, and party like there's no tomorrow! I don't even think SC or UCLA has one of these "houses"! With a "house" like this, who would ever wanna graduate?? Not me, mi amigo! No way! Oxford University: Putting the "party" in party schools since 1096!

The Rock Show

I finally got the chance to fulfill my childhood dream and see a show at the world-famous Apollo theatre!!! Unfortunately it wasn't the NY one but the one across from our Disney building in Hammersmith, London, which is pretty cool nonetheless. What more than made up for it was the fact that I got to see Chris Rock in concert. They were filming his next HBO special that night. Unless I wanted to drop hundreds of dollars to see him in the states, I didn't think I'd get to see him live, but in London, I got tix at face value which was 40 quid! The tix were in the very last row up top so I didn't even think I was gonna be able to see the stage. But a stroke of luck hit at the perfect time! One of the ushers asked if I wanted to upgrade my tix. I jumped at the chance cuz i was basically next to the toilet in my seat in the back. What i didn't know that the upgrace meant front row!! I was shocked!!! It's a surreal experience to sit that close to the entertainer as they stand right over you. He even would look you in the face after every other joke to study your reaction. I don't know if I ever laughed that hard before and cameras are in your face so I'm pretty sure I come off as looking like there's something seriously wrong with me. Check it out when it comes on cable. He does like half an hour on the election and smashes it!! You might even get to see a bulgy-eyed asian dude pissing himself if you stare hard enough.

I'm fat!

In the states, there are tons of food options so you can either eat healthy if you wanna, or go beserk at In-N-Out and bust a 4X4 Animal Style with double cheese, well-done fries and a jumbo shake. In London, while you can find healthy stuff if you look hard enough, the pubs on every corner serve nothing but heavy-duty, stick to your bones, hardcore-sized helpings of fat sausages, big pies, mounds of potatoes, and fried hunks of fish. And I love the stuff!! Combine that with a vat of beer at every sitting, and you're bound to gain some poundage. I must admit that I too have gained some junkage in the trunkage. In fact, i feel pretty lethargic right now as I digest some kind of beef slab that had a crust over it and all kinds of mushy green stuff around it. Even though I'm all fat-ass, at least all their furniture is F-ing huge so at least you look halfway decent & skinnier while sitting in it. You should see my bed! It's like "orgy" sized!

Forget Compton!!

I always thought that the downest G's lived up in South Central L.A. or in the ghettos of Detroit. While they may have to occasionally dodge a bullet or two, I came across a hood that's even more hardcore than that. These fools ain't dodging bullets, they're dodging LAVA!!! Can you get any downer than that?? They're rolling the dice against mother nature and mother nature is one crazy Beeotch! This is a pic of the Stromboli volcano which is a few miles off the coast of Italy. Yes kids, that's a live, lava-spewing volcano. I've circled the town in the photo below. The town itself is pretty pimped, with a pier and quaint homes with incredible views of the ocean....and of LAVA! Maybe they're just a confident group of folks who love living life on the edge, or maybe they are confident that they've survived on the island for years and years and the lava will never ever get them. All I know, is that I couldn't wait to get the F away from there. I'll take a bullet in the arse over burning up and melting in LAVA any day!

Notting Hill Carnival

This Bank Holiday weekend, the Notting Hill Carnival came to my hood. I wasn't quite prepared for how HUGE this thing is. It's like the equivalent of a Mardi Gras or the Brazilian Carnivale for Britain. It's a celebration of Caribbean culture and they basically close down the entire town of Notting Hill and have a parade with all sorts of extravagant costumes and bands. There are also hundreds of food and merchandise vendors that line all the various streets. The Red Stripe beers are also sold all over the place and you can drink anywhere outside which is unheard of in the states. With all the amazing things going on around the carnival, you would think that my full attention would be focused on the huge extravaganza at hand. Haha! Not so fast there, mi amigo! I completely lost all interest in the carnival and focused on what I think might be the greatest invention of our time. Yes, buddy ol' pals! That's some sort of four-sided outdoor urinal. You would think that it might be a little embarrasing going in broad daylight in front of complete strangers, right? Na-uh-uh!! When you're full of 5 tall boys of Red Stripe, you'll gladly go wherever you can find a drain. The outdoor urinal does away with the unbearable stench of your everyday port-a-pottie and it even feels good to let junior out and catch a nice, cool breeze. These suckers should be standard on every street corner in every city. Them crazy europeans have done it again!!



ps. Thanks for the photo Ron! I'm so gonna get you!!

Welcome to Morocco!

I had the pleasure to visit Marrakech, Morocco for a few days this week. If you've ever wanted to frolick in 115 degree heat with humidity and sand flying everywhere, then Marrakech is the place for you! If you love eating an entire lamb in one sitting, then Marrakech is also the place for you. If you love sweaty swap meets and wanna go to the biggest one (and sweatiest one) on the face of the earth, then Marrakech is definitely the place for you! I'm not the greatest sweltering heat/lamb-eating/swap meet lovin' guy in the world, so I found it a little hard to adapt to. But we did have the fortune to see one of the most outrageous movie sets I've ever seen and a production that was truly 'epic' in every sense of the word. Heck, I even scored a brand spankin' new ride while I was there. In London, I don't have the privilige of having a car so I hijacked a camel back in Marrakech to take back with me. I'm sure I'll attract all kinds of unwanted attention as I cruise through the streets of London on the back of a fat camel but I really don't give a crap! I'm tired of walking. I'm from California dammit ;) Anyhoo, this photo was taken as I reached the coast of northern Morocco. It was a nice, clear day so I could see Spain in the distance. I seriously hope that camels can swim. Otherwise, don't expect another post, like, ever!

I Got a Gig!!

It almost seems as if I just landed in London and already, the office has put me to work. I knew that they were gonna give me projects that were a bit different from my daily duties back in L.A., but I had no idea that they had this in mind. The project involved me, a few buckets of paint, and an ice cream truck. Apparently the city is full of these crazy trucks and it's my job to give 'em a little Disney magic. I'll be the first to admit, them characters ain't no John Quinn or Jeff Shelly's. Heck, I'll even bet that they might be a tad bit off-model. What do you want from me? I never worked on these characters before so whaddya expect? Was Rome built in a day?? But how about that typography huh?? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! The answer is yes kids, you bet your sweet ass that it was all 100% hand done!! I didn't even bust out a ruler or anything. I'm especially proud of that quote I came up with on the back. In fact, I'm already designing some undies with "Often Licked Never Beaten" plastered across the front....and back. I'll post pics and take orders as soon as I get them printed up!

p.s. I assure you, at some point I promise to post a legitimate entry...once I sober up.

p.s.2. With me gone, the filth factor at the L.A. office must be at an all-time low. Enjoy it while you can!!!

Ah, So That's How That Happens!

I recently got the chance to visit the city of Barcelona, Spain. Already, it's gotta be one of my favorite places ever. From the beautiful beaches, to the amazing architecture, to the fantastic food they call tapas, I really felt at home there. Maybe it's cuz I grew up in San Diego and Barcelona is like San Diego on steroids with a lot more of a history. They also had one of the craziest venues for sports that I've ever been to called Camp Nou, home to FC Barcelona, the world-famous football club. The stadium is massive and it's smack dab in the middle of the city. With all the beautiful things to behold in Barcelona, you'd think I'd post some awesome pics right?? Haha, not so fast mi amigos! While the 14th century fort atop the hill was pretty amazing and had the best view of the city, I was more captivated by what was happening on the dock down below. After watching the film Cars a million times, something always puzzled me. How were all those cars actually "born"?? Well, the answer my friends is circled down below. This was taken at about 8 in the morning. They were still 'doing it' at about 7 at night. In Europe, I guess they're a little less shy and a bit more open than we are in the states. Well, I guess I have a lot to learn. It's gonna be one interesting journey.